one more week down!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yeah 33 weeks

32 weeks Can you believe it??????????????????

After 7 weeks of hospital time I am soooo happy to say I am 32 weeks.. Actually 31 6/7 in 12 1/2 hours it will be 32!! Can not believe we have gotten this far... I get to go home in 16 days or finally meet these little monkeys.......... What a journey... Praying for these last 3 weeks to pass quickly without drama.... We are so hoping for 4 weeks and being able to bring home healthy babies..................................

30 weeks

Almost 28 weeks

26 Weeks

OK 10 weeks left count down has begun................. I am now in the hospital full time and have been told I am here for about6- 8 weeks..... I had a little bleeding which is always so scary......... Both babies are doing well and I am still contracting off and on so I am stuck here on meds to keep them in........... Currently I am just trying to get used to the isolation and loneliness that comes from really solitary confinement 24/7... I see a nurse every 3-4 hours about 2-3 minutes per time......Other then the occasional housekeeper or diet people slipping in a meal that is it.... Trying not to get upset because when I cry I contract....... Feeling so alone yet knowing I need to do this for my babies... Praying it gets better.....

24 weeks

Made it to 24 weeks need at least 6 more... went to Labor and Delivery todayto get first set of steroid injections to protect the babies lung maturity.......Soo happy excited and thrilled to be this far....... Some have said it is a miracle we have made it .. 6weeks ago the world was bleak and the chance of my babies having any chance of survival was low... But today we are at minimal viability........... So excited there is hope and a chance we will have our miracle babies after all......... Praise God and the power of prayer... not to mention the amazing doctors and nurses that have gotten us this far...... I could not be more thankful for the hiccuping monkeys in my belly today...........

23 weeks tomorrow...

Isabella in 4d

Isabella Profile

Isaac in 4d

Isaac Profile

Here are the latest baby pictures.............. Love them sooooo much it makes me cry........ Praying for a lot more pregnant weeks.....

22 weeks

I am 22 weeks today.... Yeah!!!!!!!!!!!! One more week down probably 11-13 left...... I can do it!!!!!!! One week at a time.................. My family came over yesterday to celebrate cousin spring/summer bithdays.. so nice to be distracted..... My nieces even painted my toes.... I think I need to redo them but it was a nice thought.... Drew kissed my belly and Isabella gave him a swift kick .............. Super fun.............

cervix is shorter and so is my patience

Yesterday was our repeat anatomy screen and the good news is everything looks great. Isaac and Isabella are both right around 1 pound... They look fabulous but my cervix is even shorter so the plan for now is home for a few weeks more then back to Hotel Hoag............. Yuck.... I am pretty over this but still love my monkeys and know I have no option but to lay here endure hope and pray...... I am 21 and 4/7 today so 2 weeks 3 days till minimum viability.... That is the first goal........... Baby steps.... Did I ever mention I was not very good at having patience?????????

21 weeks

A few days late in this post but I am still pregnant ........................... Yeah getting bigger more and more uncomfortable................. But soooo happy sooooo gratefull for everyday............... We are going tomorrow for our level 3 utrasound to double check their growth and structures..... Everything looked great a few weeks ago... Praying it still does and that my cervix is hanging in there................... Whoo hoo one more week down................

Reality

I am missing so much of life.... Drew is graduating from 8th grade and where am I???? Stuck here in bed...... He doesn't seem to mind but I am so sad to miss so much of this time in his life....... I guess having a pregnant mom is not super cool when you are in 8th grade..... Anyway I know my little ones need me to stay where I am...... Stuck in bed......I missed seeing Drew's last club basketball game or helping him prepare for graduation.... He is getting so big so quick and can not believe my baby is going to high school........ I remember laying in bed with him and the scares I had during his pregnancy and now look where he is...... Seeing this makes me both thrilled and sad.... I know that God kept him safe and sound happy and well adjusted.... I pray he does the same for my two new monkeys.... I guess the reality of the situation is Isaac and Bella need me more then he does but it hurts to not be available or there for him like I normally am..... The doctor said to prepare for more hospital time as well as NICU time for these guys and I had to fight back the tears... Why is it so hard to remeber we have no controll???????

Optimisim

Ok being optimistic has never been one of my finer traits..... I always see the glass half empty rather then half full.... I am trying so hard to be optimistic about these little monkeys... I am praying for them and loving them the best way I can right now.... It is so frustrating that all I can do is lay here and wait .... Did I mention I am not very patient either:( Ahhh anyway.... Today I started reading about prematurity and what to expect and prepare for..I had to stop I know that is part of my future probably but want to delay that pain as long as possible.... Reading about them sticking my babies with tubes and such breaks my heart already and can not imagine having to deal with that when thery are here and hurting... So instead I cried and prayed put away the book and turned on my ipod... I had read last night on my 20 week update that they now respond to touch and can hear.... So we had a little ipod session and it was fun to feel them move and stroke my belly and imagine what they are doing in there......I am determined to try to stay positive and keep them in here as long as I can ..... I love these monkeys so much and can not wait till they are here safe and sound.....

20 weeks 20 weeks 20 weeks!!!!!!!!!!!

I am 20 weeks today!!!!! I never thought after all that happened at 16 weeks or during my surgery that all of us would be here... I am still worried still contracting but trying to take my victories where I can..... Today I will celebrate and be thankful...... Forgetting I have so far to go 16 weeks and yesterday the toilet overflowed and my phone charger started to catch on fire ..... Yeah..........

Today stinks....

I am contracting again not sure if it is just because my stomache is upset or because of the babies... My work called and they can no longer hold my position.... I have been gone for too long.... Not that I dont blame them it just sucks.... Now I might have to work on a real floor in the hospital instead of specialty....... Just so bummed and frustrated..... I dont feel good I am worried not only for the babies but for our finances... Just need to cry and pray..... where is the strength and hope I felt yesterday........

Passing the time....

I am sure eventually I will look back on these days and wish I could just hang out in bed all day.... even now that would be OK if I did not analyse and worry over every twinge and contraction.... Trying so hard to just trust in God and put these little lives in his hands.... My ultrasound yesterday showed there was no major cervical changes since the surgery.... I am so thankful that that has been what looks like a lifesaver for my little monkeys.... They also decided I can now take the medicine Procardia if or should I say when my labor returns.. So many nurses and doctors told me there was nothing they could do for me.... But I am convinced in the power of prayer and that they are here for a reason..... I can not wait to deliver these guys healthy and strong and show that God can work miracles... As my OB says I am a obstetrical nightmare and my RE said he had never seen anyone with so many issues and complications......... But God said nothing is too big for me to conquer ....... So here I am almost 20 weeks with healthy twins on the way and hope for now that they will make it......

So thankfull to be home and still pregnant.......

I changed the song because all through the week and during my surgery this old song played in my head....... trusting in God as we just got home and showered from a long week in the hospital..... We came really close to loosing our little ones and I am praying and thanking God... We are all still here... My cervix had dilated and they sent me directly over from an ultrasound to labor and delivery... At 18 weeks these babies have no chance of viability and there is not much they could do to stop the contractions... We found out I was able to try a surgery where they sew up your cervix and pray that that helps the babies stay put for a while at least... I had the surgery Wednesday afternoon.... I had full labor all afternoon after the surgery which they were able to stop with a controversial drug called Indocin... I am so grateful to have the best doctors I could think of taking care of me and when Isaac and Bella enter the world I will owe them my life for saving my babies....I would name my kids after them if I could but Tamarou Gigi Consoletti might be a rough name for a little kid.... I am still contracting off and on and have so far to go... However I am one week farther then most thought I would be..... In the last week they have become so active......... It has been so fun to see them poke and roll... John even got to feel them move when we were in the hospital.... He has been my rock and sanity for really the last 19 weeks but even more in the last week. For today I am home and look forward to hopefully many more days here before my little ones are safe on the outside world...For now I will wake up every morning and rub my belly and thank God for every second I get to spend with my miracles.......

A few bumps in the road!!

I started having major contractions and pressure about a week ago...... We went in Monday and found out I had begun to dilate and our little ones were in danger..... After lots of monitoring and testing our babies look great however my body is not responding as well to the pregnancy.... We need to make it a little bit more then a week from now on minimal medication and maximum rest... after that we can then use more powerfull drugs and pray they stay in for a long time... Please Pray that my body will respond and my little ones stay safe...

4 months

One more month down and back on bed rest!!!! Yuck I had about 3 days where I could get out of bed... So my and my twin belly are just hanging out..... I seriously don't know how big I will be in the end a little bit scared about that but so thankful for everyday they stay in safe and happy and growing...I wish I could say I love being pregnant really not a fan but love the fact that I have 2 little ones on the way and I can not wait to see these little babies I already love so much!!!

Good Morning Mommy.... Happy Mothers Day!!!

I woke up this morning to an unfamiliar greeting ....... My little ones were moving!!!!! I have thought that I felt little flutters but this was unmistakable movement... On both sides of the belly.... It was my present from my two little ones what an amazing feeling I love it.... I was thinking how different next year will be for Mothers Day then this one... I began to think of my life and how it is going to change in an amazing way.....I saw this poem and I thought to my self what kind of Mom will I be to these little ones.......

I have longed and waited.
I have cried and prayed.
I have endured and planned over and over again.
Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.
I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep,explore,and discover.
I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.
I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold, and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream.
My dream will be crying for me.
I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child.
Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.
I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend, and sister because I have known pain.I know disillusionment, as I have been betrayed by my own body.
I have been tried by fire and hell that many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.
I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.
So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort.
I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs
I listen.And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely.
I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth when life is beyond hard.
I have learned a compassion that only comes by walking in those shoes. I have learned to appreciate life.
Yes, I will be a wonderful mother

I can not wait to see these little ones..... Happy Mothers Day!!!!!

Its a................................................

Boy............ Baby A is a boy we are so excited to finally put a name to this little one not sure what yet but working on it.. He looks great........
Girl............Baby B is a girl can not believe it....... Never thought it would happen..... We do have a namen for this little one.. Isabella Eileen named partially after my Mom....
When she said it was a girl I began to get teary I prayed for a little girl years ago... My dream and prayer was answered in the form of my beautifull stepdaughter Tessa... When she was taken away I questioned my faith my God and his plan my love for her is not gone and I think of her all of the time and pray for her but this little one is the proof that God keeps his promises and I am getting my little girl.. God also gave me a stepson named Cody who was also the answer to my prayers for a brother for Andrew... Same story and miss him more then I can say... However God had other plans in the form of these little ones... The birth of these little ones will not take away the pain and the loss but a reminder that he keeps his promises.......I am overwhelmed with love and excitement.......

Seriously!!! Bedrest Record...

I am officially on bedrest now with some slight changes in my cervical length.... This means at least 5 more weeks of total bedrest... This means that I have spent the last 14 weeks laying here... I know that it is worth it in the end ... I literally cant wait till September....

3 Months!!!!!!!!

Finally into the second trimester.... The babies are measuring big and so am I!!!! So excited to actually be out of bed for little bits at a time... Looking forward to a day without any nausea or exhaustion...... Hopefully soon... I am finally getting excited.. I am still trying to fight the overwhelming urge that something will go wrong... Praying and trying to focus on my little ones...... We had an ultrasound last week and they think one might be a girl... I am so excited for anything as long as they are healthy....

Twins..... Two Little Monkeys

TWINS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We are officially having 2 little sea monkeys... We had an ultrasound on Monday and even saw the first little flicker of heartbeats...... So excited but still reserved that they will both make it... The doctor is optimistic and I am trying to be... The Monkeys are making sure that I know they are there all day every day... the provide me with lots of nausea and dizzyness as well as some well deserved naps... Poor John has become my nurse as I am stuck in bed most of the time due to the horrible nausea and a little spotting a few times.... We have another ultrasound on Monday.... So excited to see them again.. We are now 7 weeks...

Looking good so far...

Today was my second beta or pregnancy hormone level check... John and I got there and I waddled up to the second floor... As we waited for my name to be called I saw the face of the women across from me and realized that she had the look that unhappy look of desperation and quickly figured out that we were happily talking about if we we were having one or two and playfully talking about naming the little ones inside of me... I am so afraid of becoming her again... I also feel her pain I realize that for now I am the one causing her pain.... I have been thinking about her all day... I am so afraid that these little guys won't hang on and once again I will be the bitter and sad one in the chair... I guess I am trying to pray and focus on what I can control... Last beta on Friday and then the ultrasound on Monday.. Praying that I will make it that far and thanking God.... Really still in disbelief that I am where I am... Praying I will do everything I can for these little lives that have been in trusted to me... For however long I get to have them....

Finally... It has happened....

Affter all of the surgery, drugs, praying hoping and tears I am so happy to announce we are pregnant...... My first set of blood work confirmed today that I am in his words "very pregnant". He said if my levels stay like this that we can expect twins... I was thrilled with the hope and prayer of one but two is even better. Praying for my little ones.. Still like a dream that I am pregnant... I will feel better when I know they are safe and snug inside... We should see them on Monday.. I am so excited.... Kind of gross but here is the proof.

Introducing our Blastocyst Twins....

So today is the 5th day after the embryo transfer... I actually feel great except for the sore booty from the horrible progesterone shots... We have had so many problems from that this time... I also have broken out in this random rash all over my back.... But other then that no symptoms and feel great ughhhhh... Oh well.. trying to remain optimistic.. We have some embies saved so there is always a second chance.. The two they implanted are perfect quality and I am already in love... The top one was actually in the middle of a cell division which I thought was so cool... According to the embryologist only a while later it looks exactly like the other embryo... Anyway.. I was so overwhelmed with how far we have come that on the day of the transfer I felt like it was my wedding day... I could not stop sobbing..... So happy I have a memory of my two little ones even if they don't stick around... The doc said they were pretty enough for a textbook cover.....

12 Little Embryo's

The first fertilization report showed that 12 out of the 17 eggs that they retrieved fertilized. We are waiting to find out if we are going to be able to wait to transfer on Thursday or if we need to do it tomorrow. I prayed for each little embie today and hope tomorrow I will hear they are doing well. Praying that I will get to see them on Thursday and then then again in nine months....

Egg Retrieval Tomorrow

Tomorrow is the big day.... I am so excited yet so nervous... My estrogen level is a little high.. Trying to see that as optimistic for lots of eggs would not be a surprise to have as few as 8 or as many as 18..
I am trying to relax and be positive and optimistic.. However I know that the most frustrating part of this is that there is no control.. God is in control and as much as I should find that comforting I begin to question if this is my plan not his.. I am being obedient and praying and asking but what if his answer is no.. What if when he formed the world his plan was for me to only have Drew.. I know I need to be thankful for my first miracle but I wish my head would communicate with my heart. Praying that if that is the answer that God will quite the longing and desperation I am feeling today.. I truly am crying to him from the depths of my heart to hear my prayer. Praying and dreaming that his answer is yes and this is the promise in my heart that God will hear and answer my prayer for another child.. Waiting for the completion of my family..
John is amazing and patient and kind.. I could not ask for anything more from my wonderful husband.. He has made this journey tolerable and even fun and humorous at times. He is what makes me realize that God does answer prayers he heard my prayer when I thought my life was over and I would never love or marry again ... He was with me when I was battered and bruised and crying out for answers.. My prayer today is that once again he will hear my prayer and the answer will be yes..

Almost there...

Things are looking good a little rocky this time as my follicles took a while to show up.. Today they look good and they said things are going well... I am resting doing accupuncture as well as taking a few Xanax to make to time go quickly and rest as much as possible... Trying to just roll with it but not really my personality... Either way looks like we will be at least embryo mom and dad by Sunday.... That alone makes me excited... Praying for peace and of course a two line stick in a few weeks... This is really the thing I have wanted most in my life besides a man who loves me and my Drew... Praying this is it my completion to the journey....

It has begun....

Here we go again so far no drama all is going well.. I am on the 4th day of injecting myself with the meds that will hopefully bring our dream to us once and for all... The first set of testing showed all looks good... Hoping for good follicles as well as rest and peace this time...

Preparing for IVF

I have been a little quite about our plans as we are just figuring out them as we go along.. We are going to attempt IVF very soon.....As we plan for this huge event in our lives we are trying to spend some quality time together as well as try not to focus on infertility treatments at all... Now that the time is coming closer we have cleaned the garage labeled the drawers and gone through every box... The meds are ordered the finances as figured out as they can be... Johns mom is ready to come out and help take care of me since I get so sick.... My work is ready for leave of absence... I started the pre IVF accupuncture on Monday.... I have made my IVF ipod mix so I can learn to relax..... So now we are just waiting for the big day and the start to our final journey of our attempt to become parents... I am trying to be patient and wait for my body to tell me it is time... Not sure how much this time I will be able to blog since I am trying to focus on other stuff but the details of the IF.... Praying wishing and hoping it is soon the timing is right and it will be worth it....