IVF in January????

Frustration and sadness... I can't stop crying I feel like a complete idiot... I started to bleed yesterday morning... such a bummer we were at a company Christmas party all weekend... Everyone had so many comments as I graciously passed by on all sushi expensive wine as well as a wine tour.... They joked about why I was not joining in and we laughed with them and remained silent... I began to hope and pray and for a little bit even imagine it was true... That somehow this was finally it... That after all the surgery tests and last 2 months of drama we were finally on the other side.... I even had nausea and slept all day.. What a cruel joke as I woke up in blood... Today we decided that IVf is the only option since I get so sick they can control me better... However financially if we get pregnant we will maybe be able to afford the diapers after we add this and all of the time I will miss of work again to the tally... I begin to wonder if it is all worth it then I think of my future and how it felt to hold my son years ago... What it is like even now to be called Mom and I know it is worth it if it works... However after all of this disappointment I wonder if I can survive a failed IVF.... How can I even think about what the call will be like with another negative after going through that... But then I imagine the other call the one I have been waiting for the one that says the demons and memories of all this horrible pain are over and finally I will be a mom again.. That is what I am trying to hold on to... so we are going to try IVF in January... Starting about one month or so from today with retrieval in February if it all works out.....

Here we go again

Well trying agin this month... Actually toward the end of this journey again.... Once again I got to experience the hyperstimulation nausea ect that I had last time. This time however we almost cancelled the cycle several times as well as attempting to turn it into an IVF cycle when we had way too many eggs cooking on the wrong side.. Now one week post IUI I am trying not o be nerotic or anxious but it is so hard... At time I feel pregnant and others know I am not... Either way I know it was ment to be and trying to wait for perfect timimg that I can not control... One week from today all of the waiting will be over and either we are done or start saving for IVF in February.... Either option is exciting however I prefer to hope that this is it and we are all done with IF and ready to move on to being parents ..

Recognizing a miracle

15 years ago to this day I had one of those life changing experiences..... As I look back as I have done for the last 15 years there are so many things that I wish I wold have know then .... As a 19 year old facing a very unplanned pregnancy I cried on this day as though my life were ending and yet I wish I would have known that it was probably the best and one of the most significant moments of my life...... Today I cry because the stick did not have two lines and because I feel fine..... Some of the similarities are the same... I then had a hard time getting out of bed and facing my future that seemed so bleak.... Today I have a hard time getting out of bed because once again the future looks so bleak.... However I am learning through both unplanned pregnancy and infertility that God will get me through this as he has the last 15 years... Although I cant plan the outcome I can trust him in the journey...... I have neglected him for so long and tried and planned on my own but realize that I really need to go back to the basics and stand or actually kneel before him like I did 15 years ago and pray for his mercy grace and forgiveness for whatever life holds........ Above all else I need to recognize the one true miracle in my life.... I am so gratefull for being able to be a Mom.... I guess I just need to realize that I already haveone more miracle then a lot of people... I wish I would have known then to enjoy the journey and love every minute of the life and circumstances I was given.. My prayer today is to somehow enjoy this journey the same way hoping and praying that 15 years from now this experience will also prove to be a different type of life changing experience..........

Try Try Again

Well this month is not going to be it..... So we will try again in a few months... Sad, depressed, and frustrated....... Infertility Sucks......

All Better...

Finally feeling so much better..... Which actually is not really a good sign but very nice to feel almost normal.... The official test date is on Friday...... Probably not going to be the month because of all of this drama but there is anlways an other month and as always life is what happens when you are trying to make plans... Back to work on Thursday yeah.... Cant wait to get life back to normal...

More Drama....

Woke up yesterday morning with severe nausea and pain and a huge swollen belly.... Rested all day but woke up in even more pain then yesterday... The doctor said I have Ovarian Hyper Stimulation or OHSS.... So I am now on bedrest and off work for 10 days... So praying this is a good sign and actually that it doesn't improve as that is a sign of pregnancy..... So for now movies and rest....

There is always hope

We got to do the IUI both yesterday and today.... Yeah... They finally saw the follicle on the left today or the remnant of it... ( I told them it was there) Anyway so there is hope...... Everything went really well. Still in a bit of pain but it is sooo worth it if it works... Now praying that I am patient calm and not stressing and enjoy the next two weeks....

A Bad Day...

Started the day out with a RE appointment where I found out that his cycle is a bust and there was no need for an IUI... The right side with no tube was too dominant... Also told maybe IVF is only option because I have an overly efficient right ovary... So left the office with a sore booty(hCG)just in case one of the many right eggs would jump over and find the left tube.... Cried all the way to work arrived 20 minutes late.... About 2 hours later ended up a patient in the ER and they did an ultrasound and saw what looks to b one large follicle maybe 2!!!! So game on... Probably still not super hopeful but you never know right???? Hoping and praying feeling a little better now that I am home......

One step forward three steps back

Today's news is not good ..... Looks like all of the follicles on the left side are shrinking....The ones on the right however are increasing.... So frustrating...... So not sure if this will even be a valid cycle or not...Trying to not be sad or discouraged but I am not known for being patient..... Not a big shocker there... So hard to have no controll.... Guess that is when you have to learn to give over the control and trust it is all not in my own timing or plan...

Another appointment

Going everyday now to check on my follicles.... Looks like I have 3 ready on my functioning side and 5-6 on the right.... Possible 10.... Going to probably be my last day of stimulation of follicles.... Hoping for one more on the left...... MD says it all looks good except a lower estrogen level then yesterday?????? Praying and keeping our fingers crossed. Wow this is stressfull and time consuming.

Maybe Baby?????

So yes we have only been married for almost a month but the doctor told us we had to start right away with fertility treatments if we ever wanted children. About 3 months ago I had surgery to remove a large ovarian cyst and found out I had severe endometriosis as well as uterine scar tissue and a large polyp.... So after honeymooning the old fashioned way with no success.. We are starting to try the advanced method. About a week ago we started with Follistim which is a drug to stimulate the ovaries to make eggs... Tonight is day 7 of the drug and this morning my estrogen is climbing(880) and I had about 8 eggs.... seems like a lot but most are on the side with no tube(removed from the endometriosis) Waiting for my 8th shot and looking like I am already pregnant wish it were that easy..... Johns a champ he still loves me and ignores most of my hormonal issues.... Amazing that he can be so patient and kind........ Praying this is the miracle month with only a 20%chance of success.... We are prepared for the long haul but praying it will be a quick trip instead....